I was a shy child…

As a girl, I was very shy. It was difficult for me to fit in with large groups of children, as I felt self-conscious and awkward. Making it even harder for me was that we moved often in my formative years as my father was a Navy man. This meant I lost touch with the friends I had made, while having to start over to find new friends.

Believing that my shyness was a personal weakness, I worked hard to overcome it. I remember feeling I had critical self who was sitting on my shoulder and making judgments about each action I took, each sentence I uttered. I would literally wither under that judgment and become tongue-tied.

Eventually, I learned to focus on another person, asking questions about her life, and letting her talk to me. It worked! We would find common interests and shared experiences, which created the basis for new friendships. By focusing on making someone else comfortable, I was able to feel comfortable as well.

In my twenties, my mother suggested another trick: that I find a group centered around something I liked to do. Initially of course, I didn’t want to believe her, but I did try it and it worked.  Being part of a small group of like-minded people really helped me in those single years. Whether it was a hiking group like the Adirondack Club or getting to know the parents of my children’s friends, I found kinship in those situations that led to some long-lasting friendships.

In my children’s book, The Friendship Tales: Lili Bunny’s Quest, I introduced the concept of a friendship that grows from shared interests. Lili saw Daffy swaying in the breeze and asked if they could be friends because they both loved to dance. While Daffy initially said no because she was scared of rabbits who had been destructive to her cousins, she eventually saw that Lili was kind (Lili carefully set the dead daffodils along the bank out of the way of the big rabbits) and that she liked to dance in the breeze just as Daffy did. Lili and Desi became friends because they liked running and jumping, they sang the same songs and enjoyed the same stories. Lili forgot her “quest to find a friend” and focused instead on shared interests. This led her to find not one, but two friends.

As I have aged, I have realized that people have different types of friendships. Some people love being part of a big group and thrive on being the center of attention. I prefer having one-to-one conversations or small group interactions. I have grown to accept that I don’t love a crowd, and that this is perfectly okay. Now when I find myself in a room full of people, I try to pick one or two individuals to talk with rather than trying to be part of the big dynamic.  And I would rather have a small, sit-down dinner party than a big cocktail party. I have learned that my innate shyness isn’t a failing, but rather a manner of being, and I have grown comfortable with this.